29 March 2011

just another.

"when was the last time you blogged again?"

"i honestly don't know."

that would most likely be my reply should anyone ask about my return to blogging again.

i reckon that some of my readers (if not all) would have turned in every bit of their loyalty by now. there are times when i felt the spark for writing ignite for a moment, but they only ever last for fraction of a second. there are also times when i tried to make an effort to get my lazy butt off the chair and sit myself down in front of the screen, place my hands on the keyboard and open up my blogging platform... but then i thought: what IS there to write about?

ever since i started writing in 2007, this blog has always served as a personal space for expression; i wrote when i was happy and i wrote when i was sad, i wrote when i laughed and i wrote when i cried. i could write about anything and everything that goes through my mind. and the best part i remember was knowing that people read what i wrote and some even took the initiative to write me or leave a comment, be it good or bad.

i've also experienced a whole lot of things that i never would have learned if not for blogging; i took random photos from google and used them without giving credit to the owners and i received emails from said owners expressing their disapproval for my act of ignorance - from there i experienced the importance of copyright. i wrote about books and music and art, and i receive emails from people telling me how my taste and theirs are similar, how they'd like to suggest more things that i might like - i then knew that i wasn't alone in the world and there were other people out there who share the same interests as i did. there were also musicians and producers (those from a smaller scale, of course) who wrote to me and asked if i could review their band/artist on my blog for them - and this at least helped me understand that my writings are not completely crap (ego-stroking moment lol).

i wrote about my happiness and sadness on my blog in forms of proses and writings, and people approached me telling me how much they appreciate my writing, or they would offer a few criticisms (which i highly appreciate at times, excluding the occasional rude comments which i try not to allow myself to dwell upon) - this was where i learned and grow from the opinions of others.

i still love my blog to bits, regardless of how much i've neglected it in the past few months. on a side note, i will not deny the fact that i feel ashamed that i no longer have the same amount of passion for writing as i did before. back in the days, i could pick up a pen and write without restrictions - now i could barely churn out anything anymore.

the other night i was lying in bed and staring ahead as the shadows teased each other amongst the bedroom ceiling and walls. come to think of it, i'm not sure how and why i got to the point of pondering but i started to realise how much more private i've become. as i grow older i started to leave the attention-seeking behind; i realised that even though it felt nice to be able to express myself freely and limitlessly and knowing that there are others who read about my life and cared enough to share their thoughts with me, i always felt that i fell short. it was then that i knew that it was because i wasn't happy.

don't get me wrong though, i loved my life (and i still do) but there was always a part of me missing and this blog was the only thing i knew that would help to fill up the spaces - spaces which made me feel alone and i didn't like that, the loneliness that lingered within me and ate me up because i was insecure.

the thought of being alone scared me senseless.

i can't remember the exact moment when i started appreciating the time i had alone. maybe it was the fatigue from constantly basking myself in activities that shook me and thus making me braver, the final push that drove me to put my foot down. i knew i didn't like the feeling of loneliness, and most of the time it came from being alone... but as i gradually came to understand that there was a difference between being alone and being lonely, i slowly came to terms with it. sometimes being alone doesn't necessarily mean being "lonely" - sometimes a person needs a break from everything else to keep things balanced.

i used to think that blogging about my feelings and my thoughts and practically anything that crossed my mind would liberate me from all the negative emotions that i had inside of me - as they say, "writing is a form of release". but then again i figured: what is there left for myself to keep if i continue to dump every single thought inside my head and throw every single fact about myself out there for the whole wide world to see?

plainly, nothing's considered uniquely mine anymore.

i guess it's safe to say that a lot of things have changed, and i realised how much certain things mean to me now - so much so that i know they're too precious and i can't risk losing them. i'm no longer constantly too emotional about things (but occasionally still am) and i don't need to know that 'there are other people out there like me'. i have a bunch of people whom i keep close to my heart and i'm happy keeping them safe that way. i'm content with my life and i'm no longer sad anymore (epic confession right there).

people would argue that my life isn't glamorous, nor is it the least "hip and happening" as how most people dream of theirs to be - and i'm perfectly fine with that. i used to yearn for it like everyone else but i realised how much the little things in life, no matter how unglamorous they may be, mean so much more. occasionally i'd like things to be slightly more interesting, but i don't want it all the time.

life has its ups and downs, it's inevitable, but i'm happy now and that's all that matters to me.

with that said, i think i'll take a break from blogging from now on. being in the communications field has taught me to keep my mind running and perpetually churn opinions and suggestions, but i'll find another platform of expression for that sometime in the future. i'll most likely be starting a new blogsite, a less personal one. the idea of keeping a blog for my personal use still lingers in my mind, but i don't think we'll see that coming anytime soon. blogs are meant to be read so i don't see why i should keep a strictly private one, but if i should ever decide on a more personal blog, it would be highly unlikely to see the link published anywhere commercial.

as of now, michellious.blogspot.com is officialy laid to rest.

2 spilled milk:

Red Glove & Spatula Girl said...

awww and here I thought you were starting again. But anyway, good on you. =) Happy you're not sad.

hapi said...

Hi Michellious, Nice blog you got here! try visit my new post: Blog SEO Tutorial: How to Choose the Best Title For Post. I hope you will learn something from it. Have a great day!