I smiled only because you told me to.

i'd never thought i'd see the day, but it finally came. it's only day 1 but i woke up to the empty bed beside me and felt the cringing sadness that dwelt at the pit of my stomach.


but i smiled, because you told me to.







you were second in line but everyone knew you were much more like the first. you're always so strong and determined, responsible and straight-to-the-point, witty and highly intelligent; i fade in comparison. but that never bugged me, because i'm proud of you for always being so independent. you always placed your emotions at the back of your head and did things accordingly, and never once have you let anyone who trusted you down. you were expected of a lot of things, and yet you worked hard to achieve the impossible amount of expectations that were dumped upon you.

sometimes i wonder how you do it.






being a gemini baby, you could never run away from that dual personality which most geminis are born with. you may be tough and head-strong on the outside, but inside there's anoth part of you that i always saw; traits that are total opposites of what you displayed on the outside. you kept them to yourself for most of your life, but being your sister i knew what goes on behind that armor you wear to protect those around you, and also yourself.

but frankly, i admire you for that because i know it's not the easiest thing to choose betweeb what's best for every situation and also struggle with your conflicting emotions at the same time.

being the overly-excited sister in everything that you do.

i sometimes worry about the choices you make in life, but you always surprise me with how you dealt with things. i've always wanted to be there for you, wishing so hard to be that elder sister who never fails to be the aid in every sticky situation. i've always wanted to be the elder sister you could make an example out of and look up to. yet time and time again you've proven to me that you don't need me - you're growing up and i should let you. you were always the one who handled situations better, that's why everyone trusted your instincts and whatever actions you decide to take.







i think we're pretty close, even though you would argue with me that we're not exactly the "siamese-twins" type. but we did quite a lot of things together all the time back then and even though we're slowly tracing the steps of our separate lives as we grow older, that sisterly-bond would never end.

it only struck me how little time we've spent before you left, how caught up i was with work and how busy you were going around preparing for your departure and meeting up with your high-school friends. i feel sad somehow because i should've spent more time with you since i've already been absent from your life last year and i felt that i should've caught up with you more because goodness knows when i'll ever be able to see you again.






do you miss those times? sometimes i wish we were our younger selves once more, when our lives were less hectic and not filled with so many "adolescent problems". we never had to worry about anything when we were younger and it felt like the world could be ours for the taking if we willed it to.






but reality kicked in and both of us realised, in the process of growing up, that this is just how life is. we fought and struggled, and both of us broke out from our younger selves into who we were today. the struggles made us much stronger people, but rather you than me. i have always been the walking canvas of my own heart, and people took advantage of that. fortunately you handled things differently. i'd like to think that maybe you learned not to make yourself as vulnerable as i am when it comes to fighting your way through the journey of life. at least i can tell myself that my sister learned from my mistakes as well and have made her own life easier to get by.






but that didn't mean that you gave up being happy. despite all the heartaches and downfalls, you managed to rise above the rest and still stay as the happy-go-lucky person i've always known you are. you worked hard and you enjoyed the fruits of your results. when i couldn't be strong, you were there for me. i wish you could let me be your foundation when things get rough, but you've never depended on anyone - it's always been you against the world all the way. it was your policy: to have things done your way and by yourself. as much as i wish i could be there for you, there are no words in me to describe my pride in you and the strength that surpasses all.

you deserve every moment, j. because i know that you always did your best in everything and i truly believe that it's what you were meant for - to enjoy life because you're worth it all.







in any case, with everything thrown aside, you'll always be in my heart. i sometimes regret having supported the notion of having you sent so far away to study, but you had your future to take into consideration. and it's for the best. come back to us soon, because i won't stop missing you until you do.

i really hope you make it big over there. i want the best for you, and you deserve it more than anyone i know. and i want to thank you for every little thing you've done for me, even when sometimes i get too blind to appreciate it from the start.


i love you, j.




you'll always be the wonderful sister that no one can ever replace in my heart.



i'm still smiling,

and it's because you told me to. : )

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak.

yayyyyy tuesdayyyy againnnnn.



off days are the shiznit. i'm beginning to dread work a lot (owh couldn't you tell? hehe...) but i gotta pull through somehow. some days are worse than most, but i can't just give up halfway. determination is something i'm trying to hone.





hung out with the sister for a bit today. we ran around getting necessary stuff for her to bring over before she leaves in a week's time. sometimes i really wish she wasn't leaving so soon but she didn't have a choice anyway. wish she didn't have to go so far though, but for her future it's for the best i suppose. :(







got myself a few things as well. made me feel a wee bit better already. shopping always cures a woman's heart ey? :P

a "hurley" print t-shirt.

saw this at Elise's for a 50% bargain so i immediately grabbed it off the rack. it had the word "hurley" printed all over which reminded me of one of my favourite actresses (can you guess?) so i couldn't resist. :)

the new bans.

these were on sale so i figured what the heck. always wanted to own a pair of real aviators so bagged this in just a minute after discovering it behind the display. :P the salesman was super nice as well. my sister found it weird that we were chatting on like life-long buddies even if we didn't know each other at all. lawl.

under-love. ;)

i've always always ALWAYS wanted a set of these for myself. usually they're pretty expensive but cotton shop and pierre cardin had this super awesome bargain going on so my mum said it was alright. got myself two pairs and i can't stop loving them ever since. :)


the people there got me confused though because one said i was a B and the other claimed i'm a C. does anyone happen to know how to determine the universal size of a woman's set of twins? i need a clarification here. hehe.

:)

but my biggest pride of the day was seeing this on the rack and picking it out for myself. it fitted me perfectly. darn things made me feel so good about myself i purchased it in a blink.

and trust me, these aren't pants. ;)

a very productive day indeed. : )



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i was sitting at the cashier counter the other night, being bored out of my wits just before closing time. i grabbed the shopping list that a customer left behind which had a lot of blank space left and started randomly scribbling and writing my thoughts onto it.


i don't know why i shoved the piece of paper in my pocket even when i wasn't really writing about things that made any sense at the time but i found it later on today and there was something on it that left me pondering for quite a bit.


sometimes certain things leave me too worn out to think clearly. most of the time i just feel like giving up. but there's just something inside of me that keeps pushing me to hold on. i'm not sure what it is that's motivating me, but i have a feeling that it may be something good. maybe someday i'll find out what it is, or who it is.

Sometimes she makes me smile so wide it hurts.

the line was so packed and jammed it was almost unbearable. i was suffocating with the massive amount of goods dumped at the cashier table; at one point i almost couldn't breathe.


darn these people and their impatience, i thought.



then she dropped by. her big smile and petite frame; it wasn't hard to make out really. if i weren't so busy trying to please the customers, i would've remembered what colour t-shirt she was wearing. but i'm guessing it was purple(?). her smile shone through the crowd and for me it was enough to brighten up my mood just a little bit more. initially i thought she dropped by to buy something from the store, only to find that she was here to leave me a parcel.




i had my hands tied down with work so i couldn't react properly. i was stunned and surprised and happy and excited and confused at the same time. after everyone left i sat there holding the little paper bag that had a nylon ribbon tied at the top and my name scribbled in neat handwriting on the sticker below the ribbon.




i looked at it and i couldn't help but to feel the love. : )











as i reached home i eagerly opened it up, only to find just the cutest things waiting for me.




tissues for the OCD person, from one OCD to another.


whenever i see kleenex-es i get happy. hygiene's played quite a big part of my daily life so getting a fresh pack for my usual outings is pretty awesome. :D

inside: a letter-set and a handmade card.

she has just the most creative ways of making crafts, and her simplicity astounds me every single time. it makes me wish i still pursued my dreams of creating art, even when they weren't meant to be turned into my future as i hoped it could.


i opened and read her card, only to feel my heart getting tighter and tighter, being squeezed by so much of love. i haven't melted like that in a long time from just the warmth of getting a card with such thoughtful words in them.



i love letter sets. did you know that? : )



stickers! i have a thing for hedgehogs. : )






it's moments like these that made me realise that sometimes, out of all the shitty things you go through, life throws in a bit of a miracle for you.


thanks b. your little parcel really made my day for me. i couldn't love it any more than i already have at the moment.





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on a more different note,



my tumblr profile's up for the aids and cancer awareness campaign.


please join to support us. : )

Off days feel SO good.

omg finallyyyyy. after 6 days of 9-hour agony - i am finally freeee. tuesdays are officially my off-days and i just get so excited when tuesdays are hereeeee.


thus all the long extra letters at the end of every word of every sentence. hehe.

my usual bumming-out area at the dining table. yes i love dr. pepper, and my new mousepad that i got from Galoop Taiwan, my new HP mouse and new wallet from Rip Curl. spot them! : )

but quite frankly, i STILL feel as if i don't have enough time to do EVERYTHING i want to do. i woke up planning to go online for a bit, deal with my degree application, get my book cover nicely drawn out, meet up with michelle the steetch for a bit and hand her her present, gymming, aqua aerobics with debbers and some time for the family at night.



but it turned out that i had to wait till tomorrow for the degree application, and i screwed up my book design and michelle was out. i sulked a bit because of my ruined masterpiece, and i didn't get to go for gym. *cries*

the little pictures.

i almost totally forgot about these. blazer pictures! i used to keep them in my old wallet when there was an extra pocket for these, but ever since i changed my wallet i had to keep these safe in my album.


can you find your own picture, chung-huarians? :P

old boxes.

i was going through some of my old stuff too which i've kept in boxes since i left for college in the Big City. i love that pang of nostalgia that brushes against my skin whenever i open a box and that first blast of air kisses my face. when i slowly go over every item in the boxes i just remember so many things that i've left along with the box.


it feels good. :)

took this video on my way to GCM for that aqua aerobics thing with debs. it occurred to me that there's one good thing about having a huge ass camera: you get to leave it on the car and film things. hehe!

i documented this journey while i was on my way to meet up with debs. had to give my college mates a little glimpse of miri too ey? hehe. couldn't see much since it wasn't at a very good angle, but i tried my best anyhoo. : )






just found this gem on youtube. the name's laura marling and she's got such a talent in indie music. i could just melt at the lyrics. so divine.



and can you believe that she's only my age? she's turning 20 this february. :D

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my clock says 11:58pm. just 2 minutes away from work days again. ugh life. hopefully i'll stop screwing it up. *crosses fingers*

Cashier Rant #1

just to get a few things straight:

FRIDAYS SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS ARE "NO PLASTIC BAG" DAYS.

so please bring your own bags and stop threatening the cashiers about suing the company just because we no longer provide plastic bags as ORDERED by the city council.





thanks.







--------------------------------




today was beyond shitty. i don't even know where to start. i'm not going to complain, but my patience is running out. =(



but still, there are some things that are worth smiling about today: making a kid blush and smile, attending to a gorgeous and sweet woman by helping her check her things out (amongst other things :P) and saying "Thank You" in Tamil to this Indian guy when i gave him back his change. he was so amazed you should've seen him jump a little. said i was ready to be wed to another fellow indian already. LAWL.

Double-dutch on the concrete.

sorry for the lack of posts recently. i haven't been blogging as frequently as i used to, have i? quite frankly i haven't had a lot of time on my hands. is it just me, or do you guys also find that as we grow older, our time shortens? when i was younger my days seemed pretty endless, but now it feels as if my days don't seem to last long enough for the amount of things i wish to do.





been to the hospital to visit the lyd and her newborn baby son.

after a year of waiting, finally the spawn has arrived. i think it was a sign that i "coincidentally" went to my cousin's facebook page and saw what lyd's brother petrus wrote on his wall. there i was, thinking the kid would only decide to pop out in february.

lyd hasn't changed a bit - still crazy, but funny at the same time. she couldn't stop poking at the kid's head and repeating "you know, i STILL can't believe that THIS came out of me." according to her, episiotomy's been a bitch. hahaha.

have you ever felt a newborn baby's skin? have you ever held them so close you could feel their heartbeat against your chest and you can't help but adore their sweet delicate scent that all babies seem to have? it's one of the best experiences i've ever had, holding a child like that for what seemed like forever. i have never held a newborn baby for such a long time in my life, but ms lydia was nice enough to let me. i only got to hold him in between intervals (had to share it with griselda) but when i had him in crook of my arm it felt as if time stopped right there and then. all i could do was swoon over the child because he was so sweet and tiny and adorable. he was so tender and so fragile in my arms, my heart was smothered all over with fear and love. when he squeezed my thumb, it was as if he squeezed my heart as well. it was the best feeling in the world.


i swear, he was so cute i could just eat him up!


okay that last sentence wasn't really appropriate.





it was pretty hard for me to believe as well, because i could still remember ms lydia first transferring into our school, then she became my english teacher, and then our drama teacher. now she's a freakin' mom. i pity the kid (if you met the parents, you'd know HARHAR) but then again i envy him. having ms lydia as a mother is like having a comic relief everyday. only the Lord knows what else that woman has up her sleeves. LAWL







i've been catching up on some reading as well. am reading "middlesex" for the second time and it's still awesome. it's one of those books where i wish i could just lick my fingers after every read because they're just so juicy (figuratively speaking).


and i heard it's going to be shot as an HBO original series too. BOOYAH! a must watch on the list. :D





another movie that i have to watch as well. i first knew about this from a tiny friend (^_^) but Midnight triggered the passion for it altogether so now it's on my list of "to-watch" movies.

i'm thinking movie night with the rest when i get back. : )





i've been extra busy for the past couple of days (and will be as well for the next 30 days to come), mainly because i *finally* found me some work. :D


working at a supermarket wasn't as easy as i've imagined it to be. packing groceries was hard for the first 15 minutes of the job. but being a cashier was even more difficult. nevertheless, my passion still stays the same. whenever i see groceries in a store, all nicely packed and neatly arranged, i feel like a glowing preggo lady.


some of my friends still find it odd why i chose the grocery job over the nursery teacher offer. a few even gave me looks when i told them. a couple of my old friend bumped into me while shopping when i was on the job and they were literally shocked when they saw me bagging their groceries for them (they thought i was shopping as well). they tried to be polite and all, asking me what i was doing there (as if bagging their groceries wasn't obvious enough already) but i knew they didn't fancy the idea.


well, a kid's gotta start somewhere. it doesn't have to be the best job in the world, as long as i'm passionate about it i suppose. i've always loved this local supermarket, even if it's ancient (been there before my time). nailing this job has been one of my biggest achievements yet. : )







i'm still trying to settle in with the thought that it's already 2010. it's such a pretty number, sometimes i find it hard to believe. XD


i finalized my resolutions for the year. i didn't want the whole "1. Be good; 2. Be humble; 3. Smile lots." kind of thing so i edited it (for the umpteenth time) until i was happy with it.




one of the things on the list is to stop my blogging days. i have certain reasons why, and a friend helped me realise that. but the poll's still up for votes. readers' comments and votes are just as crucial. : )





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this motivates me in so many ways, i can even hear it being narrated in my head by the voices of the different people i love (just for kicks because i'm neurotic like that).


so in love with marilyn i could just tattoo her name across my toosh.

Quick kid quick, so harsh and cynical.

it's been poking at me recently, how my younger friends are taking their turns graduating and leaving for college and university now. it's amazing sometimes when i look at them and think "wow, it's your turn now."


they grow up so fast,

sometimes i don't even know where to begin.


i've been thinking about a few things, one of them being my friends who are already studying or are going to study overseas. CharT, griz, deaney, tiffo, alene, derek, kerrie... and very soon it'll be michelle, my sister jo and kurt's turn.

sometimes i think about it, and it hurts somewhere deep down inside. there's just that heavy weight that gathers at the edge of my heart and tugs at it, making it difficult for me at certain moments. do you get that? or maybe i'm just being too clingy. *shrugs*



it's kurtie's turn tomorrow, joining his big sister CharT in English-Land on his journey to adulthood (exaggerating much? LOL). another one off for a ride, and another two to go.



missing people is hard.

A Twenty and A Ten.

another year has passed and another one has arrived.


it's funny how my 2009 came and left in such a hurry. going through it seemed like a very long time, but once the time is up, it all appeared to be ending a little too fast for me. nonetheless, 2009 proved to be one of the biggest turning points for me yet. i haven't been through as much in the 18 years of my life as i had done so in 2009. so many different people, so many different experiences. it really is an eye-opener for me. i have loved and lost as i did every year, but 2009 definitely took everything to a higher level. i had to let go of my home and step out into a world where protection only came in the form of my own soul, and also with the help of a few of my friends who stuck with me on my journey. i have met people and made friends, and we have shared countless of things with each other which i know will bond us for a lifetime.



when i was 18 i thought that i was ready for the life-long journey that awaited my embarkation, only to find myself facing what seemed to be the beginning of it all, a minor little test-run of the things that are soon to come. fear is an inevitable thing; everyone will embrace it at some point in their lives. some experience it more than others, but sooner or later all of us would savour the sweet taste of bravery that licks at our lips and releases us of our fears, one at a time.



well loves, it's finally 2010.



the year of which my first beverage was also my first shot. ;P

the year i start my degree.

the year i begin bracing myself for more challenges to come.

the year that i'll embark on that trip i've been planning to do.

the year i begin to take on work experiences.

the year i turn twenty.

and the year in which i will start from scratch, first by getting my old self back.





currently checking the new year's resolution list now, making sure that i have everything right. have you written yours yet? : )