29 January 2010

I smiled only because you told me to.

i'd never thought i'd see the day, but it finally came. it's only day 1 but i woke up to the empty bed beside me and felt the cringing sadness that dwelt at the pit of my stomach.

but i smiled, because you told me to.

you were second in line but everyone knew you were much more like the first. you're always so strong and determined, responsible and straight-to-the-point, witty and highly intelligent; i fade in comparison. but that never bugged me, because i'm proud of you for always being so independent. you always placed your emotions at the back of your head and did things accordingly, and never once have you let anyone who trusted you down. you were expected of a lot of things, and yet you worked hard to achieve the impossible amount of expectations that were dumped upon you.

sometimes i wonder how you do it.

being a gemini baby, you could never run away from that dual personality which most geminis are born with. you may be tough and head-strong on the outside, but inside there's anoth part of you that i always saw; traits that are total opposites of what you displayed on the outside. you kept them to yourself for most of your life, but being your sister i knew what goes on behind that armor you wear to protect those around you, and also yourself.

but frankly, i admire you for that because i know it's not the easiest thing to choose betweeb what's best for every situation and also struggle with your conflicting emotions at the same time.

being the overly-excited sister in everything that you do.

i sometimes worry about the choices you make in life, but you always surprise me with how you dealt with things. i've always wanted to be there for you, wishing so hard to be that elder sister who never fails to be the aid in every sticky situation. i've always wanted to be the elder sister you could make an example out of and look up to. yet time and time again you've proven to me that you don't need me - you're growing up and i should let you. you were always the one who handled situations better, that's why everyone trusted your instincts and whatever actions you decide to take.

i think we're pretty close, even though you would argue with me that we're not exactly the "siamese-twins" type. but we did quite a lot of things together all the time back then and even though we're slowly tracing the steps of our separate lives as we grow older, that sisterly-bond would never end.

it only struck me how little time we've spent before you left, how caught up i was with work and how busy you were going around preparing for your departure and meeting up with your high-school friends. i feel sad somehow because i should've spent more time with you since i've already been absent from your life last year and i felt that i should've caught up with you more because goodness knows when i'll ever be able to see you again.

do you miss those times? sometimes i wish we were our younger selves once more, when our lives were less hectic and not filled with so many "adolescent problems". we never had to worry about anything when we were younger and it felt like the world could be ours for the taking if we willed it to.

but reality kicked in and both of us realised, in the process of growing up, that this is just how life is. we fought and struggled, and both of us broke out from our younger selves into who we were today. the struggles made us much stronger people, but rather you than me. i have always been the walking canvas of my own heart, and people took advantage of that. fortunately you handled things differently. i'd like to think that maybe you learned not to make yourself as vulnerable as i am when it comes to fighting your way through the journey of life. at least i can tell myself that my sister learned from my mistakes as well and have made her own life easier to get by.

but that didn't mean that you gave up being happy. despite all the heartaches and downfalls, you managed to rise above the rest and still stay as the happy-go-lucky person i've always known you are. you worked hard and you enjoyed the fruits of your results. when i couldn't be strong, you were there for me. i wish you could let me be your foundation when things get rough, but you've never depended on anyone - it's always been you against the world all the way. it was your policy: to have things done your way and by yourself. as much as i wish i could be there for you, there are no words in me to describe my pride in you and the strength that surpasses all.

you deserve every moment, j. because i know that you always did your best in everything and i truly believe that it's what you were meant for - to enjoy life because you're worth it all.

in any case, with everything thrown aside, you'll always be in my heart. i sometimes regret having supported the notion of having you sent so far away to study, but you had your future to take into consideration. and it's for the best. come back to us soon, because i won't stop missing you until you do.

i really hope you make it big over there. i want the best for you, and you deserve it more than anyone i know. and i want to thank you for every little thing you've done for me, even when sometimes i get too blind to appreciate it from the start.

i love you, j.

you'll always be the wonderful sister that no one can ever replace in my heart.

i'm still smiling,

and it's because you told me to. : )

5 spilled milk:

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Ququ♥ said...

nice blog :) I miss my sister too. You will get used to being independent, its not that bad.

aa said...


nike said...

never give up
where? when? who?
empty heart
my code and project

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