sometimes i wonder why memories are the things that they are. what makes them matter so much? what is it about them that causes us to be so attached? is it the way they ignite our emotions with such a passion that we feel loved inside? or is the the way that memories live within us so that when we look back at them during dark times, we feel the hope that was once there and we feel loved once again? i'm not sure, but i wish i knew.
the way they smile at me; the way her eye twinkles when i lend a helping hand; the way he punches my arm; the way she likes to tell me the little things that make her laugh; the way he would open so easily to me as though we were the only ones in the universe; the way she looks at me and smiles as if i were the only thing that mattered; the way he gazes at me with all sincerity even though he speaks nothing of it; the way they laugh and accept my flaws; the way he would take care of me; the way she loves me with all her heart even though she knows it's never enough; the way they held me when i felt that there was nothing left in the world anymore; the way he hangs on to her as if she were his lifeline; the way she looks at him with all admiration; the way they tell me little funny things; the way she would hug me and tell me everything will be okay; the way we braced ourselves against the waves as if there was nothing that could break us.
have you ever felt it? that strong emotion that claims for itself no name but contains within its soul this profound intensity that surpasses all?
the days are running and i am trying so hard to keep up while catching my breath at the same time. the end of the year is just around the corner and i am sitting here breathing, letting the spaces engulf me in its silence and all its glory. life is such a funny thing, you know? it resembles the shores of the beach in my opinion. sometimes you wander around for a long time, wondering what the hell you're placed here for; just walking and waiting for something great to happen. then out of the blue everything comes rushing towards you like a wave and charging right at you and knocking you off your feet, dragging you deep within the depths of the ocean blues. you're sucked into this whirlpool of madness and you try so hard to swim against the tides but there's no use. the raging waters crash against your body and you hear the violent roars of life around you but you're just tired and worn out. in the end you feel like giving up and just going with the flow, letting the waves bring you to wherever it wills you to go. soon enough you're washed back to the safety of the shores, and you lie awake on the sandy anatomy of the beach, thinking "wow. that's one hell of a ride." you wear a smile on your face and stand up once again to repeat the routine; waiting for the next wave to come, challenging it to sweep you off your feet.
life has its many ways of molding a person. sometimes it takes forever, but at times it only takes one person to make that happen. looking back, i am grateful for everything that's happened. the good, the bad. the people i've attached myself with. the things that we go through. the ones who stuck through it with me at my worst and at my best. all i can say is just, wow. i wouldn't say i'd like to turn back time to do it all again, but i wished i had more time though. no longer lingering in the past, no longer wishing for the future. just living in the moment.
i still remember you the most. the way you still make me feel whenever you look at me, the way you held me and told me that you'll be there no matter what. memories of you make up half of my college life, how could i not write this for you? i thank you everyday, even though i'm never around to say it. you changed me in ways i cannot explain, if only you could see it. if only you knew me before this and saw who you've had me become. and i couldn't be any happier. i may not be the easiest person to be with, but that's only because i've already let you in almost all the way. no one has ever gotten this far with me, but you did. i've not opened up to anyone as much as i have to you, even though i keep some feelings to myself so as to protect yours as well. it wasn't easy, but life has never been easy. you're larger than life. that's how much you matter. or maybe it was just the expectations i have of myself that broke me. i don't know. i'm still here breathing now and i'm grateful everyday for that. i'm even more grateful that while i was still able to, i met you along the way. i've always thought that love was born from your eyes. the moment you look at someone you have them locked right then and there. i miss you everyday.
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