06 October 2009

Out of the safety zone.

the second i opened my eyes, it all comes flashing back into my mind, and the weight that left me when i drifted away the other night comes back to me in an instant. it struck me that i have done nothing but single handedly destroy something that i have spent almost 7 months nurturing. and now this will haunt me until i understand how to fix it.

in the pale blue glow of 7 in the morning i curl up in shame in my bed. even the warmth won't save me now. i realised that what i have done had only ruined me, tearing myself away from those i love most. why must i always make these illogical decisions? even i have problems understanding this myself. just when i thought i had something solid built up for myself, i went and killed everything.

i tried going back to sleep, but the safety of my dreams refused me. rejected me. i dragged myself to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. i can't even bear the sight of myself. the tight slap from last night still stings on my face. my eyes are hollow and lost all the sense of emotions that were once there. i got it blasted right out of my face. i could feel the sin etched across my face, carved deep within my skin so whenever i look at myself i remember.

superficial. so superficial.

the words rang in my head, like an emotional rollercoaster it is sometimes soft but sometimes a siren in my mind. i was scared, and only wanted to try to do something to make it right. but the only thing i did was let fear drag me down that black hole.

my breathing turns weird again. fast slow short dragging. there's a hole in my heart that i can't fix right now. when so many things just happen all at once and blows up in your face, you can't help but wonder what the hell you're still doing around here. so many questions, so little answers.

how do i live with this? i don't know. things won't go back to the way they were, no thanks to my lack of right decisions. forgive and forget? maybe not this time. she said to move on. it took me two years for the last one, i wonder how long it would take this time for me to forgive myself.