21 August 2009

The Heat and The Other World.

the minutes seemed like hours, dragging me back slowly. i quicken my pace, trying to reach home as fast as possible. my mind was racing my then, going through the things repetitively like a song on replay.

a moment passed. i am back at the apartment.

my mind feels groggy. tired. insignificant.

i stepped into my room and let my bag fall onto the floor. things were happening around me, but i couldn't hear anything. the loud thud of the bag that i left on the floor seemed so distant. so deafeningly quiet.

i locked the bedroom door. i took off every single thread on my body and as i grabbed the towel hanging limply on the closet door, i pulled myself away into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. suddenly everything fell silent. the passing of traffic outside the window, the sounds of college students chatting in the courtyard, the passing laughter of the two women on my way back. everything just left me as i stood in the blue atrium, staring at the blank wall in front of me.

i reached for the knob and turned it on.

it was the first blast of icy cold water that slapped me back to reality. a piercing gasp left my breath as i stood, unmoving, in the freezing waterfall that came onto me. i clenched my teeth tight and waited for that fleeting moment to pass. my muscles strained and i held my hands into fists, just standing there and waiting.

soon, i tell myself. it's a hot day.

i lost track of the time. i don't remember how long it took, but soon enough the water turned warm. very slowly it became hot, steaming even. at one point i realised that my skin was scorching. the heat finally had effect, i thought. it's been a while since i've taken a hot shower. every time i would hope for some heat but it never came. when i least expect it to, it comes in a downpour.

and it doesn't stop.

i stood there in the water and didn't move. my feet were aching the whole day but i didn't care. my mind was too strained to even bother. i closed my eyes slowly and let the memories flash in my head. the images ran through in my mind.

one. two. three. four. five.

i couldn't even count how many. but there were a lot. numerous situations that stabbed me every time i bring them alive from the back of my head. things that i never meant for to happen, things that i wish i could take back. i held on, i held on. but then her voice comes into my mind.

i hear her. and i cry.

days of holding it in and i finally decided to set it free. i remembered it was my mother who taught me to cry in the shower. "you'll feel better after it sweetheart. it works for me." those were her exact words. so i obeyed, and i gave in to the weakness in me.

people. they hear me, but only a few listen. and even less genuinely care.

who really understands you?

i don't know... could it be you?

and there is silence.

but i still love you though.

movement. a smile forms on the lips.

my mind is racing now, not wanting to stop and analyse but to continue. the moments are replaying themselves in my mind, like watching a movie gone terribly wrong. a horror movie. a thriller.

don't waste water, she says.

i turned off the water and everything stops once more. the next thing i know, i'm already dried and dressed. i sat at the the side of the bed and buried my face deep within my palms. they are warm. they are shaking.

no more. no more.

i reached for my phone at the side of my bed and looked. no texts. the battery life was already at its last bit. the amount of white exceeds the thin red block at the end. it bothered me, but i placed the phone back at the table top. i won't be expecting incoming texts anytime soon. not at a time like this.

i closed the windows and closed all the doors. i turned off my laptop and still had the phone at my bedside. i leave it there. the screen will turn off anytime soon. very slowly i laid myself in bed and pulled back the covers. i hid most of myself under it, shielding myself and healing as fast as i can.

it's about time to save some love for yourself. you need it too.

the world on the other side is waiting. i'll come back and love again when i can.

1 spilled milk:

tiff pan said...

hey dear. that was a beautiful but tragic piece of writing.loved it but it makes me wonder how you are doing. i'll be praying for you; i feel a sense of entrapment coming from you. be free michelle.free from whatever is holding you back from loving. be brave, don't stray. be good to yourself as you are to others.keep going.