01 June 2009


a stranger smiled at me in the elevator as i was on my way up to my apartment. situations like these never happen to me, but Fate always has the wrong timing when it comes to me anyway. i tried to smile back but i couldn't. my lips were stiff from trying hard to swallow whatever it is within me after i reach back to my room.

i alighted at the topmost floor and dragged my feet towards my unit. the distance isn't far, but it seemed to take me forever to reach the front door. the hinges creaked as soon as i pushed the door open, widening the gap. slowly i walked up the stairs and arrived at the landing. i tried the handle, only to have found it locked. fishing for my keys, the feelings started to pile on top of each other. my hands were slightly cold now, shaking as i tried the key into the knob.

i finally managed to get it open, but only to be greeted by the coldness that awaited for me on the other side.

there is no use for words now. as i quickly gathered my things into my arms, i made it to the bathroom and locked the door before anyone could notice. i hung my towel and my clothes behind the door. i turned around and stood facing the mirror, looking at my twin staring blankly back at me. reaching out, my fingertips ran against hers. sometimes i longed for her to come to me, because i knew that she would be there for me and she would've understood.

but alas, that is only a longing that leaves me as soon as it came.

very slowly, with fatigue hands, i took off every trace of clothing on my body. turning on the water, bead-like droplets start falling onto me like rain. i held my arms out in front of me, pressing against the wall to support my posture as i stood, letting the water wash all over me.

and then i felt it.

for a second i didn't think i recognised it, but it started building up inside. the feelings bubbled from deep within my chest. they were screaming for a way out, the emotions; and i hear them. for weeks i've heard them speaking to me, but i kept pushing them away. right now they couldn't stay hidden anymore. pushing their way up, they slowly made their way from my chest and spread throughout my body. at that very moment, my muscles tightened and i could feel myself shaking slightly.

i know there isn't any other way to do this anymore. no matter how long i search, it was the only way i knew how to find my exit. so i balled my fists and stood there. one second passed, two seconds, three.

at last i decided to just let it all go.

how many weeks have i held it inside, even i've lost count. the pain finally decided to break me, making me weak and vulnerable. my thoughts were racing by now, all the emotions that i've neglected at the bottom of my heart came bursting into the open, letting themselves out nonstop. and all of the sudden my muscles gave up on me, making me limp and tired. slowly i slumped down onto the bathroom floor and brought my knees to me and i hugged them close to my chest.

i wanted to weep out loud because i've been so tired of holding everything in, but i couldn't in fear of anyone hearing me. so i had to stay there on the floor, containing all my sobs within me. the tears flowed from my eyes and were dragged down by the water that lingered all over me before they even had the chance to make it halfway down my face. my damp hair was close to my ears, and i could hear the beatings of the water from the shower against them. as deafening as they were, i just stayed there listening. the loud sounds of the beating made me feel as if i had earphones plugged into my ears with the music pumped up with the volume on max.

it hurt, but i didn't care.

i was sobbing really hard by then. my eyes were closed shut, there was a heavy drumming in my ears and i felt a tight sensation in my throat. i tried breathing but i couldn't; my nose was entirely blocked. i held my knees closer to my chest, shaking on the benumbing bathroom floor. my whole body was entirely drained from fatigue, i had to sit down, despite how much i disliked being in contact with the dirty bathroom tiles.

the thoughts were racing now. all the things that they did, all the things that they've said, all the times where they've hurt me that have gone unnoticed. i wonder sometimes about my significance, whether people really only do come to me when they need me. when they don't, i no longer appear in the picture.

when you feel the need to just let it out, lift your face against the water. it'll make you feel better sweetheart.

i remembered my mother saying this to me when i was having anxiety before my first story-telling competition when i was 11. her words are still warm inside my mind, her voice so soft and delicate. the thought of my family brought even more tears from my eyes. one of the disadvantages of staying so far away from home is that whenever you need the love, it's not there.

so many things to say, and no one to say them to.

at that moment i felt the urge again: i reached my arms out as far as i could, and turned off the temperature.

the cold pour of water brought a loud gasp from my mouth. it was painful, but i just wanted the physical torture to overcome the emotional one. the droplets that fell onto me felt like tiny needles, hitting against my chest as they parachuted down onto me from above. gradually i felt it coming. that is one of those sensations that i could never have mistaken. i ran my fingers along my skin, only to feel the touch of my fingertips as rough as a raisin. it was really cold, but it didn't matter.

the shaking came in small spasms, and i knew what was coming. i held onto it a little longer, and then i let all my guards down. i coughed once lightly, and then twice. the stinging was prominent now, but i had to cough it out. three times, four times, five.

finally there it was. the unmistakable taste was in my mouth.

i found it hard to even open my eyes due to the heavy crying. i tried to open them and saw the tiles on the floor. everything else in the bathroom came into sight by now. i looked down on the floor and the water that flowed.

i slightly opened my mouth and spat it out. i grimaced at the sight, watching the scarlet red pigment gradually run away from me.

it's back again.

1 spilled milk:

Griselda said...

dearie... i know when times come there's always things strikes us down. I may not know what had happen to you at the moment but if you feel like sharing it ..there's always us here waiting for you. No matter what...i'll still be waiting for you at the other part of the world. I may not able to comfort you and makes you feel better but pls dont hesistate to turn to me. I ikinow how it feels when u have something but there's just no one else for you to share with...it's sucks i know...But i still want you to know something...I'll always be there for you whenever you need someone to share something. I believe it applies to me as well..I'll always have you guys a whole bunch of sweetest friends ever backing me up even though we are far apart BUT distance wont kills our strong,firm bond that connects us.

with love,