08 March 2009


as soon as i laid in bed, i went out like a light.

i don't even remember dreaming.

i woke up to the increasing pace of the sounds of my heart racing, and walked towards the window and looked outside. i never bothered to look, but something seemed to be calling me so i looked and i saw the crisp morning light shining on the cream-coloured walls outside. i haven't seen anything like this for a long while. and sometimes i wonder if i ever were myself anymore.

so i closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to remember...


the cold city lights laid bare in front of me. it felt naked, just like how i felt at the time. the night breeze crept up upon me and kissed me gently, wiping away the tears that ran down in two silver linings on my face.

i smiled then, knowing that He is there when i needed Him.

sometimes, it is the bitter parts of life that remind me to cherish the better times more. i would constantly remind myself that the emotions i feel at this point will only last for a moment, and sooner or later something beautiful will happen.

so i wait;

i wait for that moment to take my breath away.

a friend once told me that things are always never, NEVER as bad as they seem to be. i do believe her, but at times things make life seem so unpredictably insane it is hard for me to hang on to that theory. i smiled then at the thought, knowing that maybe this is what they call Life. i don't expect things to go as i planned it to be, and i know that disappointment will always be part of it no matter how much we all wish it not to.

i placed my arms on the cold stone wall, feeling the chill of loneliness that lingered on its surface. sara bareilles was whispering in my ears, telling me the secrets in her music. a sad smile found its way onto the edges of my lips and they formed a smile.

at times i wonder how i can smile when i am feeling so blue.

i haven't felt this way in a long time. i guess it's true what they say. the people whom we care about will occasionally hurt you from time to time. as t.h. white once said: we always give our hearts unconditionally to those who hardly think about us in return.

but then,

i am not frightened. i am not frightened of anything. the more i suffer, the more i love. danger will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice. you will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it. heaven will take you back and look at you and say: "only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."

quote as remembered from The Reader, cited by michael berg.

i don't care if they don't love me back. and i don't care if they didn't give two pennies about my feelings.

as long as i love,


just someday

love itself will find its way back to me.

1 spilled milk:

tiff pan said...

that was breathtakingly beautiful. i love your prose michelle.but more importantly, i love you.