07 October 2008

Tainted roads.


sometimes, when i think the different paths we have to take in the future that separates us from the familiar, it scares me.

it scares the living daylights out of me.

looking back, i'd been so innocent. when i was younger, i only saw the fun in things when people talk about graduating and getting into college and all that. what i left out of consideration were all the what-ifs.

what if i won't know my way around and look like a total idiot?

what if i'd be cheated off my money and what-nots in a place where i am a total outsider to?

what if people there don't like me?

what if something happened to me and i didn't have anyone to turn to?

what if.

what if what if what if.

all these what-ifs are frustrating me further and further by the second. i dislike feeling this way. going off to college's suppose to be fun. it's supposed to be the time of our lives where we start off into the world where everything's waiting to be discovered. it's supposed to be the time where the world discovers our talents and what we can do. it's supposed to be the time to prove to everyone else that you can make it without anyone treating you like a kid and doing everything for you.

but quite frankly, the anxiety's kicking in and i don't feel good.

i don't want to leave my home.

i don't want to leave my friends.

i don't want to leave the warmth that i feel when i know everyone i know is with me.

i don't want to have to call my parents up everytime i need a hug or support.

i don't want to have to go back to a place that is i do not call HOME after a long day.

now i'm starting to understand how tiff felt back in the days when she was leaving to michigan for college. everyday i come back home and i sit in the living room alone and i think: this is all going to seem so distant soon. i'd stare into space in awe, wondering why i didn't cherish the moments long enough before i take my first step out of this house. it feels as if all of the sudden all i ever want to do is stop time and make everything beautiful last forever in my life.

sigh.

it's still 2 months away, and i'm fussing over the little things now. i can't imagine how it'd be like if i were over there already. i'd be crying my eye balls out i tell ya.

3 spilled milk:

tiff pan said...

believe me, i'm right there with you. college isn't what i thought it'd be. i'm still finding my place here.but i believe i'll pull through with God's guidance.this is such a big test of faith, seriously.

b~is me. said...

Thankyoou so much for your comment on my blog :) You're sweet hehes.
Take care.
Oh and thanks for following! (:

sy said...

Hun, stop thinking of the what-ifs and let things take shape on its own. i mean, i've moved so many times i think i'm used to it. think more positive. :) it's a great experience really. the first few months may be horrible (though might not be), but after that everything would just fall into place. you'll get used to the new life, new friends and everything.
it's best if you went with a friend you know though. so the first few months, you at least can find solace in someone close until you find more friends.
p/s: most people are friendly wherever you go anyways. =)
xo