29 March 2011

just another.

"when was the last time you blogged again?"

"i honestly don't know."

that would most likely be my reply should anyone ask about my return to blogging again.

i reckon that some of my readers (if not all) would have turned in every bit of their loyalty by now. there are times when i felt the spark for writing ignite for a moment, but they only ever last for fraction of a second. there are also times when i tried to make an effort to get my lazy butt off the chair and sit myself down in front of the screen, place my hands on the keyboard and open up my blogging platform... but then i thought: what IS there to write about?

ever since i started writing in 2007, this blog has always served as a personal space for expression; i wrote when i was happy and i wrote when i was sad, i wrote when i laughed and i wrote when i cried. i could write about anything and everything that goes through my mind. and the best part i remember was knowing that people read what i wrote and some even took the initiative to write me or leave a comment, be it good or bad.

i've also experienced a whole lot of things that i never would have learned if not for blogging; i took random photos from google and used them without giving credit to the owners and i received emails from said owners expressing their disapproval for my act of ignorance - from there i experienced the importance of copyright. i wrote about books and music and art, and i receive emails from people telling me how my taste and theirs are similar, how they'd like to suggest more things that i might like - i then knew that i wasn't alone in the world and there were other people out there who share the same interests as i did. there were also musicians and producers (those from a smaller scale, of course) who wrote to me and asked if i could review their band/artist on my blog for them - and this at least helped me understand that my writings are not completely crap (ego-stroking moment lol).

i wrote about my happiness and sadness on my blog in forms of proses and writings, and people approached me telling me how much they appreciate my writing, or they would offer a few criticisms (which i highly appreciate at times, excluding the occasional rude comments which i try not to allow myself to dwell upon) - this was where i learned and grow from the opinions of others.

i still love my blog to bits, regardless of how much i've neglected it in the past few months. on a side note, i will not deny the fact that i feel ashamed that i no longer have the same amount of passion for writing as i did before. back in the days, i could pick up a pen and write without restrictions - now i could barely churn out anything anymore.

the other night i was lying in bed and staring ahead as the shadows teased each other amongst the bedroom ceiling and walls. come to think of it, i'm not sure how and why i got to the point of pondering but i started to realise how much more private i've become. as i grow older i started to leave the attention-seeking behind; i realised that even though it felt nice to be able to express myself freely and limitlessly and knowing that there are others who read about my life and cared enough to share their thoughts with me, i always felt that i fell short. it was then that i knew that it was because i wasn't happy.

don't get me wrong though, i loved my life (and i still do) but there was always a part of me missing and this blog was the only thing i knew that would help to fill up the spaces - spaces which made me feel alone and i didn't like that, the loneliness that lingered within me and ate me up because i was insecure.

the thought of being alone scared me senseless.

i can't remember the exact moment when i started appreciating the time i had alone. maybe it was the fatigue from constantly basking myself in activities that shook me and thus making me braver, the final push that drove me to put my foot down. i knew i didn't like the feeling of loneliness, and most of the time it came from being alone... but as i gradually came to understand that there was a difference between being alone and being lonely, i slowly came to terms with it. sometimes being alone doesn't necessarily mean being "lonely" - sometimes a person needs a break from everything else to keep things balanced.

i used to think that blogging about my feelings and my thoughts and practically anything that crossed my mind would liberate me from all the negative emotions that i had inside of me - as they say, "writing is a form of release". but then again i figured: what is there left for myself to keep if i continue to dump every single thought inside my head and throw every single fact about myself out there for the whole wide world to see?

plainly, nothing's considered uniquely mine anymore.

i guess it's safe to say that a lot of things have changed, and i realised how much certain things mean to me now - so much so that i know they're too precious and i can't risk losing them. i'm no longer constantly too emotional about things (but occasionally still am) and i don't need to know that 'there are other people out there like me'. i have a bunch of people whom i keep close to my heart and i'm happy keeping them safe that way. i'm content with my life and i'm no longer sad anymore (epic confession right there).

people would argue that my life isn't glamorous, nor is it the least "hip and happening" as how most people dream of theirs to be - and i'm perfectly fine with that. i used to yearn for it like everyone else but i realised how much the little things in life, no matter how unglamorous they may be, mean so much more. occasionally i'd like things to be slightly more interesting, but i don't want it all the time.

life has its ups and downs, it's inevitable, but i'm happy now and that's all that matters to me.

with that said, i think i'll take a break from blogging from now on. being in the communications field has taught me to keep my mind running and perpetually churn opinions and suggestions, but i'll find another platform of expression for that sometime in the future. i'll most likely be starting a new blogsite, a less personal one. the idea of keeping a blog for my personal use still lingers in my mind, but i don't think we'll see that coming anytime soon. blogs are meant to be read so i don't see why i should keep a strictly private one, but if i should ever decide on a more personal blog, it would be highly unlikely to see the link published anywhere commercial.

as of now, michellious.blogspot.com is officialy laid to rest.

23 January 2011

discover me discovering you.

"out with the old, in with the new."

that's the one thing that always comes to mind whenever i think about stepping into a new year.

2011, another year gone and a new one arrives; this calls for the need to return to my same-old "catch phrase" that i use for my new year's posts every year: time passes me by ever so fast. sometimes i wonder where all that time has gone to. has it ever made you wonder why it feels like time just gets shorter as we grow older? i see people posting statuses on Facebook demanding for 48 / 72 / 54675156451 more hours in a day just because they don't have enough time for this or that.

but let's start with Honesty here if you have that on your new year's resolutions list: we all know that we just need to organize our time properly and stick to it. :P

i know i haven't been blogging at all like how i promised i would, and technically i've literally skipped posting in december because there isn't much to talk about and my december was shaky as i struggled on with some personal things going on inside my complicated little head, but alas i have a responsibility to my readers (if i still have any that is, hehe) so i've decided to update my blog once again just in case anybody decides to read it.

but in any case:


i was reliving memories in 2010, and i dare say that it's been one of the most unforgettable years of my life. so many things have changed, and yet many have stayed the same. i laughed, cried, and loved so much more. more friends have left, and yet so much more has come.

it's always like that, isn't it? people always leave.

but then again i realise that sometimes, some people don't.

the phenomenon of life's contradictions. sometimes you just can't go with just one theory because there will always be others to prove it wrong.

"Constantly Changing", right? ;)

i secretly wished for 2010 to stay, because i had one of the best fun and laughs that i know i'll remember for the rest of my life. however, Happiness is for one to create and maintain. it took me quite a while to understand and adjust to that, and it's even harder to assure myself during the darker days that eventually comes and leaving me high and dry. but i'm going to try, no matter what it takes.

there's always the rainbow after the rain, yeah?

yeah, optimistic outlook towards life FTW. \m/

i do, however, have to inform my readers that one of the main reasons why i haven't been blogging so much (if any at all at times) is that i realised that i've become a more private person. i remembered being one of those people who always wanted to put myself out there, giving the public a deeper insight into my life regardless of who they may be. i used to enjoy the attention, to be honest; i loved knowing that there are people out there who cared to read about my life and what goes on in it.

however, as i grow with time, i gradually came to understand that sometimes there are certain dangers in which i do not foresee and there are certain limits of which i have to pay attention to when it comes to disclosing my private life to the public. learning about the internet and what it can do has definitely made me understand how powerful of a tool it is for everyone - and anyone - who has access to it.

therefore, i write less about what's going on in my life because so much more have become so personal to me, and i wish to treasure that only to myself and those i keep close to my heart.

i do miss blogging a lot though, because i feel that it's the only output for my thoughts and opinions. unlike most people who prefer a faster and more convenient way of expressing themselves (i.e Facebook statuses & Twitter updates), i still prefer blogging since it has a wider platform for my freedom of expression. i'm not a person who talks a lot, but when it comes down to the things in my brain, it may shock people.

come to think of it, this personal blog site of mine has been with me since 2007 - so technically this old puppy's four years old. applaud applaud for my trusty little blog site. :) my loyal readers would know that starting from my oldest post and ending here at the most recent one, you can definitely tell how much my writing style has changed and grown over the years; i've dropped some styles and picked up/developed a few more - some i wish i could maintain and others i was happy to be rid of.

but overall i'd say that it makes me feel warm to be able to see the revolution of my works and my writings.

well hopefully i'll have more to write about soon in the future, and maybe i'll have a couple or more posts lined up for my readers this month.

but here's a thank you post, for those who've stayed with me throughout the years that i have blogged.

a toast, to so much more. :)

26 November 2010

Dancin' out on 7th street; where do you go when you're lonely?

a third post in a month - improvement!

after four months i am finally back home, bumming out as much as i can. i'm getting mixed feelings at the moment, struggling between wanting to relax but needing to work for money at the same time. i find it stressful how employers in a town such as this are reluctant to hire full-time workers who could only stay for a short period of time. placing myself in their shoes, it's absolutely understandable since they want workers who would stay so as to prevent the fuss of having to find others to replace those who leave once every two months. nevertheless, it's driving me over the wall how much i'm pressured into finding a job before december 1st.

sigh it's so hard to find media-related work for a media student in a small place like this. :(

and to be honest i'm still trying to get used to the fact that it looks like 3pm when it's still 12pm here (it turns almost pitch black when it's only 6.30pm; back in KL it only ever starts to dim around 7.15pm-ish).

it really feels as if time flies away when one is back in miri.

finally saw dad's after-surgery scar. youngest sister claims it to be an earthworm, thus dad's new nickname cacing.

visited the new Mega Mall situated along the road to the airport. sister brought me around Tai Kiong where they have neat rows of groceries that at least make me smile. a few places that are new have been opened as well, i've yet to visit all of them. miri's turning out to be quite a little city, which makes me happy yet sad at the same time. it's slowly losing its authenticity but at least it's moving up the scale.

heck, there's finally a second McDonald's now - with a 24 hour drive thru.

most of the time i just bum around at my parents' office though, sitting across the table from my mum's while she munches on peanuts from little packets when the afternoons are draggy.

finally showed parents my new year's outfit, chosen courtesy of Stick Friend because she's awesome at picking out new things for me like that. i'm pretty happy to say that i finally own a pair of jeggings (jeans in the form of leggings, for those in need of explanations to fashion jargons *wink*), but now i'm pressured to keep my shape.

which is pretty hard considering that both my grandmothers are on a mission to blow me up since i have, in their terms, "gotten too skinny".

regardless of being separated by the south china sea, i had a nice hour or two chatting up with my friends still. had a skype session with wei wen the other afternoon (luckily i caught him right at the moment that he got up).

i'm still trying to search for plane tickets so i can have them over in miri. i dread to think about next year, how our little circle of friends have reduced to the size of only 5.

imma miss mah stick friend and twirly boy. :(

what i'm really excited about though, is waiting on my second sister to get back. it's been close to a year since we've all seen her. i just want her back here because at least i have someone to talk to at home as opposed to the younger one who would prefer to hang out with her friends.

wished my high school friends were back home, and i totally need to get my friends over here. *headdesk*

i've been rethinking during the holidays, how i need serious organising next year in 2011. so many new responsibilities, so many things to juggle. looking at the second year courses makes me a little worried. i've been thinking about reconstructing my blog as well, deciding whether i should stick to this one or start a new one, wondering if i could ever update as frequently as i could before since i've grown to learn that i'd rather keep my private life to myself rather than having to display everything out there to anyone with internet access.

long gone are the days of being as carefree as a child now, isn't it?

12 November 2010


sometimes i struggle, not knowing what to do.

i tell myself "it's a phase",
but is it really?

all this,
things that's been pushing me downward


sometimes i wish i knew what was going on;

what's draining my mind
what's pushing my heart into the dark
what's pulling me away from my safety zone.

i go to bed at night,

hoping to get a glimpse
a touch
a breath of what is real.

but now it feels shaky,
the ground beneath me rumbling

breaking into pieces
forcing me to hold on.

hold on
hold on
hold on

it feels so hard trying to,

when all i could ever wish for

is just for those two hands to hold me tight

for just one night

and make everything okay again.

my energy slipping away,

sometimes it's hard to do this alone

you know?

but i pray

i pray.

01 November 2010

gold is fleeting.

you don't hear from me for a month and suddenly, out of nowhere, here i am: up and blogging in the early hours of 6 in the morn.

but just a quickie this time round because classes are in a bit.

october has gone by in a flash and we stop to take a look around, realising that we've already reached the second last month of 2010.

one of the many things i will remember about waking up early to catch the ride to uni: a view from the seats at the last row inside our mini-van.

it's funny how things change, as of many things in life do.

and the way that we tend to go back to the beginning and reminisce from then on;

i still remember the day we naively stepped into our first day of college life,

the way i struggled at the beginning of my first semester as a 1st year degree student, fear still lingering upon every inch of my breath as i pictured all the challenges that are placed before me,

and now alas, i'm finishing my second semester and completing my first year degree.

how much older i feel, regardless if i have only grown just a little more since then.

NatashaAwesomeSim, hanging around at the new near the lakeside at campus in the evenings.

to say that i have grown alone would be an understatement;

so much of us have sprouted along.

some have it easy, some learned it the hard way.

but regardless of all the things that have happened, we fought our way through. doing it solo and doing it together. it still amazes me how much could change in a year, how people loved and lost, how we let go and let live.

>meen and natasha, just chillin' in the evenings while we wait for the traffic to subside.

views from the lakeside.

sometimes i lay in bed thinking whether i should be glad or sad about the year ending. the year hadn't been the easiest, but it's definitely one of the most eventful, i'd say.

if only i knew the right words to put it.

so many things to talk about, but so little time.


time for uni, more updates coming your way (soon, hopefully).

15 September 2010

I know everything you don't want me to.

when i saw this picture i smile and thought to myself that it's about high time i updated my blog. LOL

i'm not sure if i still have readers on this blog since i've been neglecting it for so long. i seldom update nowadays; the most i would do is writing one post per month, sometimes one in two months if i'm busier. i highly doubt anyone ever checks in anymore, but with the amount of things happening to me for the past few weeks, sometimes writing is one of the best things that can help me.

i guess maybe that's why i never deleted my blog even though my updates are close to non-existent: sooner or later, i'll come back to it.


so what has the tiny one been up to?

technically my main concern at the moment would be my assignments in uni. for those who have followed my blog ever since i started writing would know that i never stress about assignments or any form of school work. nevertheless, i suppose i'm falling into one of those phases where the pressure of wanting to do better gets to me and i focus too much on wanting to make my work perfect rather than focusing on what's important - doing the best that i can.

i remembered that there was not a time in my life in which i worry about assignments. heck, when SPM was around the corner, i didn't even focus on anything. i only skimmed through the pages thinking "aah. what a fuss. i'll just breeze through this.", but i guess it's different when it comes down to the higher educational level. my mind reminds me over and over again how much my parents are paying for the fees and how much more difficult this is as compared to "malaysian high school education". and if that's not enough, i've taken towards wanting to perfect things; pushing myself to be better than what i've done before.

but to be honest, i've lost so much of myself due to the excessive thinking (personal things of which i shall not mention in said blog), i forgot to how it felt to really let go and live. i focus too much on my own expectations and the expectations of others that i literally forgot to just let go like how i used to.

it's one of those times i realised that i need to set my mind straight again - pulling myself out from all the clutter in my head and clearing all of it, reconstructing from what is left of the mumbo-jumbo. this period that i'm experiencing painfully reminds me of my October 6th and the difficult time i had to push through, but i treasure what i learned from it and i should be pushing my way above it all again.

wish me luck though, i need all the support i can get.

there's a new addition to the family: princess cottonsocks! (said princess situated on my shoulder)

it's funny how everyone expects me to call her Horlicks since her big brother's Milo. XD my sister was telling me not to neglect Milo. pfft as if. these two are the reasons for me to be happy, and i wouldn't love the other any less. <3

... but i have to admit, i'm a huge sucker for anything fluffy and tiny and adorable. so hide your puppies and bunny tots - you'll never know when an insane person like me might come around and steal anyone of them. >:)

one another note, i haven't been dedicating birthday posts to anyone for the longest of time. it's about time i did.

and who better to wish other than my roommate and long-time friend, Shella?

*somewhat* the person of my foundation.

i still remembered the time when we first had our first impressions of each other: her, a new student to our school at a tender age of 10 going on 11 and me, your typical happy-go-lucky child who happens to be studying at the school that she's been enrolled in.

my very earliest memory of this little ball of cuteness was at the stairs inter-connecting the senior classes with ours: she wasn't hard to spot since she was wearing a long-sleeved white top while our given shirts have short sleeves. she was wearing that same blank emotionless expression that she still has till this day, and she was walking aimlessly. even when i didn't know her then, i could tell she was new and that she was different, an aura that i couldn't put my finger on.

i still remembered the time she told me she thought i was weird because i smiled too much haha.

looking back, we've been through a lot while growing up together. we've learnt of friendship, of joy and heartbreak, of the ups and downs in life. when we moved out to continue our higher education, we've been together still, sharing our newly different lives and the people we meet in it. i had always been more fragile, and she'd been the one who's put up with all my heartbreak and the tears. and she'd been there for me when i was happy as well.

people say that living with a person you've always been friends with is different, and i can't agree more. through the good times and the bad, i have to say that i wouldn't give it up for anything else in the world.

both of us have grown up so much since the day we've left our safety zone. you've been there for me as much as i have for you. i remember seeing you grow, secretly i'm really proud of you and all the achievements that you've made. in my own little way, i've always loved you, even more than i should, regardless of whether i told you that i do.

continue being the beloved little child inside, shella. you've always held on to your own beliefs and never let anyone made you think otherwise, so i'm not worried at all. you're independent enough from the start. i know that someday both of us would have to go our separate ways, but always know that you have a friend in me no matter what and i'll always be there for you if you ever need me.

you'll be great someday. i know and believe that you are.

i hope that you had the best birthday today, roomie. a toast, to our 9-year-friendship and so much more.

08 August 2010

Put your hands on the monkey, take your hands off the money.

after M.i.A for a long while, i'm finally back for another round of updates! yes i know, i haven't been updating for a long time now. there's no specific reason, to be honest. life has just been a little bit too hectic for me to update on anything that's been going on.

semester 2 has proven to be more theoretical AND hands-on than the first semester. we're doing four subjects like semester 1 but this time round we're having a course of Media Literacies and Global Societies (mainly opinion-based papers) together with Introduction to Digital Media, and Issues in Publication and Design. the latter two sounded pretty exciting until we scanned through the assignments and requirements lol.

we only have a tiny inkling as to how stressful this term would be, but in ms jenny's words: if you think semester 1 was tough, you haven't seen ANYTHING yet.

i've been haunted by that line ever since.


above: gyuniku no yasai maki (beef and vegetable rolls);
below: szechuan hot and sour soup.

ever since i got back, i managed to make these two dishes that i've been wanting to make for quite a while. my determination and with the support from The Dragon, everything went okay; i managed the beef and vegetable rolls quite well, even though it didn't taste as good as when i did it back at home. and my hot and sour soup was neither as hot nor as sour as the originals. nevertheless, they weren't big flops either so all went quite okay.

with more practice in the kitchen i might be able to handle these without having to check the recipes the next time. : )


my kick-ass germany converse shoes!

i've been going on about how much i wanted these pair of beauties before i went back home during the holidays - but now that i've returned to The City, these were knicked off the shelves the day that i got back.

couldn't help it, i was worried that someone else might knick it off the shelves before i got to them first hehe. the red laces pwns all! \m/


i paid my senior friends a visit the other day and had the best home-cooked filipino food everrrr. ATE I MISS THE KARE KARE AND JEANNE I MISS THE SPICY SINIGANG OMGAH! *dies*

homemade sinigang!

i have an unexplainable and undying love for international foods, and the moment i tried this back at home for the first time, it just kept me begging for moreeeee. *salivates* hehe.


and here comes my very random outfit update:

who dat gurl?

wei wen randomly picked this off the rack while we were shopping around at the mall. it didn't look like anything when it was hanging there amongst other clothes but surprisingly this was what happened when i put them on.

yes. there's a lady hidden beneath all of what you see on the outside. :P unfortunately it costs a mind-blowing RM114 so i couldn't get it. T_T

and say hello to the newest addition to my statement tees - OMG WTF.

hehehe i love this shirt to bits. it doesn't seem like anything out of the ordinary because i keep smiling, but it's hilarious when one attempts to keep a straight face when wearing this around, i'll give ya that.

*note: new Eye of Ra necklace. my life is complete.


i went on a massive house-cleaning mode today and finally cleaned and cleared all the things that i've been dying to rearrange and clean around the house.

my area on the fridge top: it used to be filled with plastic bags of garlic and onions and plastic containers with a thickened layer of dust. now everything inedible is dumped away and all my containers are cleaned out and my bottles of condiments are rearranged. : )

my shelf: rearranged and dusted off of any dust particle that lived amongst my things. quite a few of unwanted things were thrown away to make space for the things that i'm keeping. some of my books are rearranged too to make more space for other things. the bottom shelf is cleared of most of the things that are not needed for display so my new toiletries can snuggle perfectly in their new spacious comfort zone.

and i love the way my daisy fits the green background of my G705 box. :D

the space beneath the windows: this place was so infested with junk and dust i swear i always cringe at the sight of it. i had loads of papers and files in a couple of bags that are optimum habitats for those darn dust bunnies infesting the area. i cleared all the unwanted papers and books and stuffed them in one bag and had them kept outside while i made use of the two converse shoe boxes i had and filled it with the things in the *insanely dusty converse plastic* bag that originally contained my trinkets.

what's left of all of that now is my laptop bag with the files and notebooks, an extra checkered bag, two converse shoe boxes (containing electronic things and trinkets respectively) and my guitar. : )

an overall look of my room. (yes i'll be needing a small stool for my laptop Devin so she won't have to sit on my bed, heating unnecessary spots up all the time)

my wall and table: used notebooks are cleared off the table and dusted, with most stuff taken off the walls, keeping only those that mean a lot to me. additional meaningful things are displayed and rearranged to fit nicely.

the newest addition to the wall:

"be the change you want to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi.

another proud accomplishment would be the clearing of unwanted clothes from my cupboard. i'm planning to donate or recycle the clothes that i no longer wear so i placed them all into a gigantic bag and had them labelled for donation. my cupboard's still pretty packed but at least it's less dusty and it no longer has unwanted clothes piling in them.

i think i'm actually going to draft out a cleaning time-table for myself just so i can keep my place cleaner every day. i just realised that staying on the 17th floor of the building gives my room 100% access for huge amounts of dust particles to fly in from the highways outside into my room. what's more, my area's right next to the window so you can go figure how dusty it could get in a day. and with the rate of my hair falls, it's outrageous.

any household tips that you know that can help keep rooms sparkling clean all day? do share! :)


found this lovely duo online earlier and i got hooked with their music within seconds:

two loons for tea.

my entry title is inspired from their song "Monkey". an instant love, i assure you. :)


random question: why is it that my hair is perfect when i'm bumming around at home but it goes totally haywire the minute i decide to go out? someone please enlighten me.

13 July 2010

steal me.

and i am back from the dead. LOL

first and foremost, i'd like to apologize for the lack of updates for the past month. so much has been going around i could hardly juggle between things nowadays. i occasionally check my blog but seldom really have the time to update it properly. however, i'd like to thank those who have kept with my blog for so long and i want to thank a specific anonymous who wrote to me on my Cbox.

this update's for you mate. :)


so what have i been up to recently? well i couldn't possibly explain each and every detail because despite having only a month pass me by, things have been crazy - and that's an understatement. i don't even know where to begin to be honest, because so much has happened and so much has changed.

tiff came down to malaysia for a visit during her summer holidays and she stayed over at my place for two days.

it felt really good to have her around, even for only a while. we haven't seen each other for two years, so being reunited felt really good and things haven't changed between us. :) we spoke for the most part, and shared a few secrets or two. ;) it's amazes me how much has happened in our lives and how much we've grown to learn about them as well.

with the world cup fever slowly toning down, i have GOT to get myself these pair on converse shoes. mine have bored holes already anyway (that's what i get for wearing them 24/7) and i really need a new pair. i found this gorgeous pair in the stores but unfortunately for me, they're under the world cup series so it might be off the shelves really quick. especially when this pair belongs to the germany team, and judging by my facebook germany has gotten themselves a LOT of die hard fans.

i'm just crossing my fingers hoping that it's still there because i REALLY want these pair of black and reds.

i've been home for the past two weeks or so. it's been really good (although not as relaxing as i'm still up and about, running errands for The Mother). i really miss how the beach is just a few minutes within reach here. all i had to do was drop by the supermarket on my way there to pick up some biscuits and a bottle of Minute Maid, and then head down to the beach to chill and think and relax for a bit.

i've been hanging out with The Sister quite a bit as well too. she may be a pain in the backside but at least she's starting to grow up a bit more and understand things. i'm pretty proud of her to say the least, for growing up and learning things on her own now. the sisterly bond was a bit awkward at first, i admit, since we never really do talk to each other at all when i was around, but nowadays it seemed appropriate that we should have a head start.

i miss her whiny annoying little ass.

totally random: my baby milo turned a month old last 28th! :)

bought him a lil cupcake with a candle to celebrate the baby shower haha. ^_^
(i don't care if i'm twenty i still like little things like this hehe, and p/s milo is one of the closest things i have to my heart)

i finally managed to have my first sinigang at the filipino restaurant that i was dying to go to since forever. it blew my mind away really, it tastes really divine. 8-D just THINKING about it makes me want more even!

it makes me wonder how the other half's would taste like. :)

i spent my last weekend heading down to brunei for some sushi.

people have always been raving about the cheap and awesome sushi down at Escapades so i pretty much rolled on the ground a couple of times while begging for my mum to bring me there.

so far it's pretty good. i don't get the whole ZOMGSUSHISOGOOODOKAY craze but it was better than most sushis i've had so far in Malaysia. the ones at Escapade was frighteningly huge so it was satisfying.

i just really wanted to have the ebiko since it's my favourite. wished i had the dragon with me though, she would've loved it there. :)

come to think about it, most of my holidays that were spent with friends were with these two monkeys.

i haven't seen CharT for over a year and Sarah for quite some time as well. it felt really good catching up with them since our sense of humor click quite well, and i was glad that none of that changed - we could still laugh about really stupid and lame things and throw sarcasm at each other like hot cakes. whoopah! i'm really going to miss them lots when i head back to KL.

more updates in the kitchen and my cooking adventures!

i know that i promised to make more dishes than this but i don't know why i just didn't manage to. hehe. the one that i managed to succeed in making was Gyuniku no Yasai Maki (Beef and Vegetable Rolls). i never expected myself to try out a Japanese recipe but it turned out quite well. it wasn't awesome, but it was definitely satisfying. :)

and guess who's the lucky girl who gets to try this out this weekend? hehe. ;)

the 20th witching hour would be up this coming friday. to be honest i'm pretty excited, even though i keep forgetting about it haha! yeah i know, i never thought i'd see the day when i can actually forget that my birthday's just around the corner. XD i guess when your mind thinks about something more than yourself, this happens. ;)

and i've been thinking about a few things recently. i'm leaving home this friday as well and i know that i'm really going to miss home as usual. everything i have is at home and everyone i love is back here too. family has always been the closest to my heart and no one can replace them in my heart...

but i also realised that i miss these bunch of people too.

when you have two bunch of people who you're really close to, and they just happen to be in two separate places, you would start to question yourself and where your heart is.

people always said that "Home is where the Heart is", but what happens when your heart is in both places at once? does that mean you're not loyal to your Home or does that mean your Home is somewhere else? it lead me to thinking that Home is not where the Heart is, but to believe that, rather, Home is WHEREVER the Heart is.

19 May 2010

before i forget, by andre brink.

"there are two moments in the relationship with every woman i have known in my life, which have brought me closer to understanding - even if it was without ever fully getting there - what it means to be alive. one is the moment of orgasm. not my own, but that of the woman i am with. because it is immesurably more wonderful than anything i could hope to feel myself. seeing - hearing, feeling, knowing - her in the throes of ecstasy, does not primarily bring sense of achievement, the Little Jack Horner syndrome (Look what a clever boy am I), but a sense of awe: this is what a human individual - this is she who is you - is capapble of.

it is an unfathomable combination of two sensations which ought to be essentially different, and yet are merged: it is a sharing, almost a fusion which leaves me with a feeling of unspeakable joy, even of gratitude (Thank you for allowing me to be with you in the ultimate moment); but also a feeling of utter solitude. i can see it, hear it, feel it, taste it - but i can never be on the inside of it with you. i cannot even be sure whether i really know what it is like. is it 'like' my own? or incomparable? just as i can never know if what you see at any given moment is exactly the same as what i see. we look at a colour, we both call it red. but it is only because we have been taught to call it by that name. there is no guarantee - not ever - that we see it in the same way, that your red is my red. how much more momentous is something like orgasm. but for that very reason your solitude, your quite literal wrapped-upness in it, cannot but bring that experience of what for lack of a better word i call awe.

the other moment is very, very different. and yet not, if one really thinks about it, so different at all. it is the moment when i wake up with a woman in my arms, and see her still sleeping. i raise myself on an elbow. i gaze. i gaze at her without even for a moment being able to understand anything at all of what i see. you: sleeping. the one i have shared a special experience with; the one i have shared hours, days, months, perhaps years of my life with. yet, here, in this instant, so utterly confirmed in your youness that you are turned into a mystery, i am conscious of being on the outside of it: it actually makes me feel an intruder, someone who should not be here at all, should not be allowed to gaze upon you in this ineffable moment of sleep. beacause here you are totally vulnerable, you have no protection against the world. except the protection of your own self. which, being unfathomable, leaves you so naked that you may just as well have been peeled from your skin, a grape, a transparent fruit, light in the heart of light. and that is a mystery, for ever.

and yet by falling asleep beside me, you have sanctioned, silently, this intrusion and this gaze. to sleep with someone can be more intimate than making love. it is a yielding, and a trust, that cannot be compared to anything else. you have granted me this. can i ever be worthy of it? this is a moment i come closest to understanding something of that overused and misunderstood word: love."

ref: Brink, A 2004, "Before I Forget", hardcover copy pp. 4-5, Seeker & Warburg, Great Britain.


currently reading this. it fills my heart with so much emotions - so raw, so indefinite - sometimes it amazes me how a person is able to learn and grasp the language that only the heart understands, and then narrating the feelings to his readers in sentences so that we feel what he (or most of us) have felt in the heart but never in words.

i have got to get this book.

29 April 2010

Raindrops of you.

Droplets of tender coldness brushed against my fingers as the doors closed behind me. People were running, their eyes searching with desperation for a shelter to protect their shivering bodies against the downpour. I only stood there, unmoving for a minute, feeling the soft playful dancing of the raindrops against my skin. People ran, but I stayed. Others have often wondered what beauty I saw in the rain. I’ve always loved it when it starts drizzling; it cleanses the body, the soul, the mind. On the outside I would smile meekly but deep down inside my heart rejoices at every droplet that makes its way downwards. Where people felt the coldness of the winds, I felt only the warmth of nature’s blessing.

And then, I walked.

I walked without hesitation. With every step that I took, my smile only grew wider. The gentle winds blew, embracing me with such love that even I cannot comprehend; the delicate droplets of rain showered so much attention to me I could barely contain my joy. My breath made little clouds of warmth waltz from my mouth, and it seemed to tickle whenever I let out a light laughter of happiness. I lifted my face to greet the clouds and the rain that came for me.

One drop, two drops, three drops, four.

They were so beautiful, each and every one of them. I felt them nuzzling against my skin, tickling me into tiny giggles as they trickle down towards my neck. They greeted me and my body was their playground; they ran through my hair, soaking me through my clothes. People looked but I never minded; if they cannot enjoy the rain I might as well do it for them.

It rains and rains and everyone is rushing to move on; only my world stood still for that fraction of a moment, a moment so divine and delicate and beautiful that I was afraid to break it. So tender, so fragile. My world was at a standstill as the rain continued to pour, washing my worries away and filling it with so much emotions.

And then, there it was – that feeling. My mind felt it, and my heart felt it too. Every inch of my body pulsated as the thought stayed there so firmly in my soul. At that very moment, I felt that you were here with me. My heart pushed the thought of distance away from my mind and I let the emotions run wildly through my veins. With every touch of rain on my lips that I felt with my fingers, I only felt you. Through the soaked clothes and the passionate warmth that I feel in my soul, I only felt you.

Your presence resounds in my heart and it feels as if you are already here, and that much I know is true.

27 April 2010


i miss writing like this; i miss doing proses like my passion's the only thing that fuels my life. : )